Nearly new father, nearly-new anxiety

Over the course of the last eight months, I’ve lost track of how often people have asked me whether impending fatherhood scares me. Whether I feel anxious, incapable, overwhelmed or ill-prepared. But apart from low-level concerns about work, money, and making sure my partner has enough of the right kind of food and sleep, what I have been unprepared for is the increasing worry for the welfare of my ladies. It feels like it’s come out of nowhere. Where previously I may have been mildly cautious, reasonable and rational, now I worry all the time. Maybe it’s the fact that everything else has gone pretty much smoothly so far, and we’re nearly at the gates of transition, so to speak, that’s amplifying my concerns. It makes it hard to concentrate on things out of worry, the increased heart rate of anxiety thundering in your ears while you try to concentrate on an important task.

I do wonder if it’s the lack of control. After our daughter is born, there are plenty of things that I can do, in terms of caring for her, raising her, protecting her and looking out for her. My partner’s health will not be affected by the tiny human growing inside of her. But for now, everything is in the hands of doctors and midwives and the gods and nobody is above suspicion. Especially not the gods. I feel that when she’s born, there are real things that can be worried about and dealt with. Right now trying to control the uncontrollable, while not knowing the unknowable, is driving me up the wall.

Only 24 days to go…

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